A client of mine knew he faced a hellacious task ahead of him — cleaning out the parental home of lifelong collectors. Some people call it collecting; others like myself call it pseudo-hoarding. After an initial consultation, and explaining the process of disassembling the estate, he was completely on-board with emptying the house. I promised I could undo 40 years of heavy “collecting” in 56 hours.
He assured me the family had already chosen the items they wanted to keep, and we even gave his sibling a few extra days to go through it. My instructions were clear; please make your selections and remove the items because once I am in the home, it would be best to remain away until our work is done. The client was very understanding of this and we scheduled the work.
On a personal level, I know it can be emotionally draining to go through this process of sorting through and selecting items from mom and dad’s home, who are now deceased. I have always believed this is part of the grieving process. But there is a fine line where it can quickly turn to hoarding, and it becomes clear a child can’t let go for numerous reasons. I have long preached that memories are not found in things, but in the precious relationships we build along the way. Sadly, most people do not get this concept.
Long story short, one sibling could not stay away from the home, and could not stop filling their vehicle each day. Things were missing that were slated for auction; so much that we had to all but cancel the auctioneer! My client was most baffled by his sibling‘s actions. “I don’t understand why they are doing this! I have been very clear with them to stay away, and they assured me they didn’t want much. I don’t get it. I NEVER saw this coming! Why are they doing this?”
The explanation was simple: She could not properly digest that mom and dad were gone, and as a close second to having them there (which is no longer possible), she took their possessions. I also see many children who never made amends or rectified any pending issues prior to a parent passing away. This leaves a tremendous weight on their shoulders that they don’t know how to deal with. The problem now became that this sibling took so much, there was no room in their own home to enjoy. Don’t look now, but they just continued the pattern of being a heavy collector, I mean … hoarder.
It is easy for me to critique what I see because I am on the outside looking in. I know the sibling who took so much will be miserable with all this stuff. They won’t be able to move around their own house, which forces them to make decisions to let go of some items when they are not thinking clearly, probably causing marital strife also.
Bottom line: Just when you think you can predict a family member’s actions, you can’t! We all handle infirmity, death, and grief differently. In this case, there was one sibling who was in serious emotional turmoil and could benefit from grief counseling — and I mean that most sincerely, as it helped me greatly.
© 2013 Julie Hall
Special thanks to Julie for allowing me to share her blog. Check her out @ www.TheEstateLady.com
Julie Hall | April 2, 2013 at 4:24 pm | Tags: accumulation of stuff, denial, family history, grief, procrastination, vulnerable | Categories: Distribution, Grief | URL: http://wp.me/pCBLs-h2